Friday, October 22, 2010

a new friend!

From: UPS Services
To: bme*****
Sent: Wed, October 20, 2010 10:45:33 PM
Subject: USPS Delivery Problem NR0445193

Good afternoon.

Your parcel has arrived at the post office on October 15.
Our Driver was unable to deliver the parcel to your address.
To receive a parcel you must go to the nearest UPS office and show your mailing label.
You need to print mailing label, and show it in UPS office to receive the

Thank you.
UPS Services.

Dearest Friend,

Oh boy! I hope this is about the parcel full of pornography that I ordered from
the great country of Germany last month!

I'm so relieved that you wrote to me about this! I was about ready to call UPS
and the Post Office to find out what happened to that package, but I was
concerned that it had been intercepted by the FBI, so I decided to wait a little
longer before investigating. I really didn't want those agents snooping around
my house again. They always leave such a mess and they're so rude!

I'm having trouble downloading the label from your email. Can you please resend
it? My computer suddenly started acting all weird. I'm having to write
this to you from my 2nd pornography computer and I don't like to write emails
from this one, because the letters on the keyboard are so sticky.

Why couldn't the package be delivered to my home? Is the driver okay? Did
something happen to him? I hope he didn't get into an accident. Will somebody
be taking over his route? Could that person bring the package to me? I don't
leave the house anymore, because there is just too much temptation out there.
I can't afford to fall into Satan's clutches again. I learned my lesson after
the third time, and how! I really hate the FBI!

Come to think of it; if the mailman got into an accident, I'm glad. He's a real
jerk and I don't care what happens to him. He's always looking at me
suspiciously and making rude comments about my N.A.M.B.L.A. newsletters. The
nerve of some people! I thought this was a free country!

However, if it's that new UPS driver, I will be very upset. I really like him.
I think he lied about his age to get his job, because he sure looks like he's
14 years old to me (I won't tell on him though, it'll be our secret). His
facial hair looks about as soft as a Georgia peach and he always calls me
'dude'. It's so sexy! Please tell me that nothing has happened to him.
Please! I think he was on the verge of coming inside for a nice chat and a
cool glass of "lemonade". I just need a few more packages delivered by him and
I'm just sure that I can seal the deal.

I can pay you to bring the package to me if you don't get a replacement driver
soon. I will make lunch for you too!
Just send me your bank account information and I will deposit $100 to your
account right away for your trouble.
My cats and I can't wait to meet you!

Except for the Meals on Wheels guy, we haven't had many visitors since the last
mailman stopped showing up. I miss the touch of a supple young human against my

You know, I've been looking for someone to rent the extra bedroom. You can be
my roommate! It would be like a slumber party every night!
How old are you? Can you send me a picture of yourself?
Oh, I just can't wait! I'll call Meals on Wheels right now and tell them to
double up on those meal deliveries. Your life is about to change for the
better, new friend!

I hope you like tuna sandwiches. It's our favorite thing in the world, outside
of watching pornography. Often, we eat tuna sandwiches while watching
pornography, along with a few other activities, if you know what I mean. *wink

Love forever,


P.S. I've included a couple of pictures of some my cats so you can get to know
them before we all live together. You don't need to bring anything with you. I
have everything you need right here and more. You'll never have to go outside
again! We're all very excited about you moving in with us. I have so much to
do to prepare for your arrival!

P.P.S. Oh yeah, we're also very excited about the box of pornography! It took
me forever to find this stuff. Most of the places that I used to order from
have gone out of business. Some nonsense about "Megan's Law' or something like
that. I can't wait to show you my collection. You will be very impressed. I'm
going to go move the litter boxes out of your bedroom right away. Would you
mind if I just left 5 of them in your room? Some of the cats are very
particular about where they do their business and I don't want to inconvenience
them. They're very clever and they always get revenge if they think that you've
slighted them, but don't let that worry you. As long as you don't do anything
to upset them, you will be just fine.

unfortunately, my response was kicked back by the mailer daemon. i'm crushed.